In my attempt to find the beauty, I failed... I mean, I had that poem, but I really found it the day before... and the rest seemed average and even hard.
It all, life, feels sorta like that - hard.
I feel completely helpless in some ways (some very new ways) because I am just in a state... angry, mad, desolate to name but a few and all of them in one big huge swirling mass of emotional baggage.
I have no patience for this kind of nonsense. I have too much to do.
And, people keep calling me back to earth and reminding me that my behaviour is inappropriate. Which adds to this feeling of mixed mass emotions swirling and boiling and festering. Shame, I suppose. I am better than being an angry person.
I have moments of average, and when I see my son or husband I can claim joy. But that seems so selfish, in a way, to allow my son and husband to be my bringers of joy... what a HUGE burden to place on them. Guilt, I suppose.
I am trying to remember to breathe, to mediate, to pray... but the words that come to mind when I do this are hard, and angry, and as my family reminds me... inappropriate.
I have and see so much to be grateful for, but these crazy emotions are so difficult to manage.
How does one throw themselves a gentle pity party?
So let me conclude by stating that I suppose that the beauty I was able to find is that (#6) I am alive and (#7) I have people who love me. There is comfort in that. But, there is a tinge of insincerity in my heart with these right now. impatience, I suppose.
The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within - strength, courage, dignity. ~ Ruby Dee
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