An empty nest - 1/40

Currently, in the United States it is common to send your children away in certain populations... ones that come to mind are the really wealthy and the really disenfranchised (e.g. - parents in prison). I would assume that the wealthy send their kids off to boarding schools and the disenfranchised lost their kids to the courts or to other family members during their incarceration.

Registering in the village with the Mayor

So, I find myself now with an empty nest... I have moved my 9 year old to Europe to live with his grandparents and it is honestly something I struggle with. 

The weeks that led to his departure were emotionally agonizing, though that may be because of other incidentals in my life... but being with him was my priority and I kept to that pretty well (though in all honestly, not much changed because I take him everywhere with me). 

The day he left was emotionally intense, and I was saved by the need to arrange a visit to a mechanic and some official activities like withdrawing him from his school here and fighting off some form of cold.

I spent the day sleeping in his bed (around dropping off and picking up my car), his scent still lingering on his pillow... breaking in to tears that my dear Squink was not around. It was tough, and I still feel a certain pressure in my heart when I think of that first day.

Facetime with me, while Shatzy was still with him

It gets easier, and there is the new freedom to be relished, but the transition has been tough. He is 9, and a very independent 9. I have talked to him, and his words proclaiming he misses me seemed to be intoned with the thought that that is what is expected of him to say. He told me I had interrupted his game and was forced to call back later. I suppose that this is all wonderful and I am most certainly happy that he seems to be settling in so well there but the part of me that aches for him... honestly wishes he missed me a little... and then I have to think how horrid that I wish that kind of despair on him just to feel like I am  missed and loved.

YUCK

Makes me feel horrid. I try to focus on the fact that his adjusting so well is a testament to my parenting, but I honestly believe that this kid was born with an independent streak... he picked when he was born, just as he has picked most of what has happened to him since.

His biggest lament when he left, one he held guardedly close was that he felt friendless. Though when pushed, he would admit to having some close ones, it was as if he wanted more. It seems that moving from a large class where cliques are present to a small class where cliques are less obvious that his wish has been granted. I hope that this perception stays with him, that he has a lot of friends.

What I know is that I miss him and that I am missing him terribly every day and that I hope he has the most wonderful time on this adventure... and that hopefully, I figure out what my adventure is in this experience.

Dealing with jet-lag when he first arrived

Consensus of definition

con·sen·sus

 noun, often attributive \kən-ˈsen(t)-səs\

: a general agreement about something : an idea or opinion that is shared by all the people in a group

Consensus of Definition

As someone who was raised in the social sciences with a hefty dose of the physical as influence, this is a mantra of mine when trying to engage with others in discourse. Most seem to agree that establishing some basic common definitions of the topic to be discussed is vital, if not rather important... then, there are those who refuse.

Most of those who refuse to find these base agreed-upon-points-that-are-to-be-used-to-develop-an-argument tend to fall on the side of our more nubilous intellectual pursuits. I mean that the topics are often about God, various aspects of religions (most usually western though I have had this happen in discussing eastern ones as well), and philosophy.

I realized today that many people take this whole area and come to it from faith and faith alone (or perhaps I should write Faith and Faith alone).

I really don't have a problem with Faith.

However, it is really hard to talk to people about Faith when they come to it from faith (and I don't, in the same fashion anyway).

I come to Faith from my background in science, and I must admit that there are really not a lot of us out there that come to that place through this means... but what it creates is an absolute problem when trying to discuss things like the idea of God as Being.

I am very intellectually happy where I am, in terms of where my place is in the world and how I fit in to a divine cosmos....but, I find it terribly frustrating to talk to those who seems to find it ridiculous that my mostly rudimentary understanding of biology, physics, microbiology and such are all things that bring me to Faith.

I think, though, that what surprises me the most is that once I arrive at the end... what I tend to worry about most is that the way I understand God is so completely off, that those others who believe and who also come to God somehow find me lacking.

Why do I care?

Because, I suppose I just want to feel like I can officially belong to a cohort that ends up in the same place as I do, and do so in a manner that does not make me feel judged. And also, because I am so humbled by the things that bring me to God, and that I find them so incredibly magnificent and fabulously amazing that I want to be able to share them, and one can't when one is considered a heretic at the start of a conversation.

Squink - day 12

My dear Squink,

It is such a joy to get to chat with you a bit over FaceTime (or if the weather is not good and the connection is poor over Skype or something).

I am so delighted that you are having such a great time there, it is really very exciting for a mom to see her child so delighted with their experiences.

When we FaceTime, I will occasionally take screen shots so I can remember how delighted I am by you. It also helps that I get to see your dad's face too. I miss you both so very much!

I heard that tonight Opa made pizza for dinner tonight, I hope it was as yummy as it looked. He is such a good cook, how yummy for you!

I love hearing about your day, and am so glad you are making friends... and learning Croatian (in your math books)!

I look forward to our daily chats!

Love,

Mama

grave goods and other solemnities

One of the first things you learn as a student of Anthropology is that grave goods are a sign of the importance of the deceased to the community that they left.... one case which is most notable is that of the neanderthal burials in the caves in Shanidar in Northern Iraq.

It can, to someone like me, be an amazing piece of information to process.

The burials are dated and are said to have occurred around 60.000 years ago. And appeared at first to be just some burials... however, a soil analysis was done and what resulted was astounding,  The analysis claimed a large amount of pollen in the soil.

These items can appear rather unremarkable to most. So, there are a bunch of bones and some dirt with a lots of pollen in it... but when one begins by asking why there is so much pollen at a grave site in a cave a picture begins to emerge that was surprising in so many ways.

What most assume happened is that the man who died was of some import, that flowers were placed in his grave. While new postulates contend that it was some sort of gerbil or other fauna that placed the flora there.. the truth is that we will never ever truly know what went down when this man died,

I tend to think that I prefer it have been grave good, that folks that loved him placed flowers over him because it seemed like a nice send off to another world, a gentle goodbye with blooming plants (they had pollen) strewn about his body.

I may be homosapienpomorphizing the event, but I think that my reverence for my deceased ancestors is great enough of an instinct that it is something more ancient than something that was started to help feed money to the Chinese (who by reputation own all our cemeteries).

Whenever I drive past the cemetery when my own maternal grandfather is buried, I (and the rest of my immediate family) say "Hi Grandpa Honey, we love you". I consider that a grave good. One which is not tangible enough to be picked up by modern day archaeological methods, but is one none the less. It is ritualized, recurrent and rhythmic.

Which brings to mind requiems, another grave good that in some cases are purchased to commemorate a loved one. I take a particular fancy to them. It may be that as a woman raised by Ecuador I am sensitive to the glorious withing the sad or it may be that I understand the sentimental withing the mundane. I know that my family has had this tendency to ritualize those who have passed away in various ways; through creating museum quality collections that are donated, paintings, and other assorted kinds of grave goods... because in the end, it is about celebrating within the sadness. Isn't it?

And you can't have the joy without the grief - it's why we listen to Mozart's 'Requiem.'

~ Andre Dubus III

Fewer Child Deaths, but what about the long term consequences?

Click here for the story on NPR

Listen to it, probably should listen to it first... it was playing as I was headed in to work this morning and I was so struck by something I thought I heard that I had to look it up and listen again.

Did you hear that part about how the biggest problem were mothers-in-law? and that in follow up sentences they said mothers?

Oh dear, this could prove to be so problematic!

I love humanitarian work, but I have seen so many places and people destroyed by people who seem to think they know better.

And the way that this one was reported scares me.

The way I understand as how I heard it told, informed me that they Save The Children, tend to think that the elder generation of women are stupid and that the problem is in re-educating the young women to not listen to them.

So, we may have solved the first part of the survivability of children in harsh environments... but what about the long term?

IFF I understand the project correctly, we now have women who have successfully given birth to their children in a clinical setting (which I would argue against in some circumstances)... we now have a disenfranchised family because the young mother was taught that her mother in law (and possibly even her mother) are stupid and don't know what they are doing!

Considering that in Afghanistan the young female tends to stay with her husbands family, this can be highly problematic and I didn't hear that being addressed.

And I feel helpless because;

a) I don't know if STC is doing the right thing in trying to preserve these family relationships (I searched their website and was unable to find any specifics about this program).

or (and)

b) what do I do to make sure that it is well understood that keeping a balance to family relationships in the case that STC isn't considering the longer term impact on children (and their mothers)?

I am moved to skeptical caution as it is by the part of the story about the birthing kits... that alone should have been handled better with an eye to long term consequences.

(a portion of this post is a comment on the link)