Life is beautiful - 6 & 7

Yesterday was tough, it is a tough spot right now. 

In my attempt to find the beauty, I failed... I mean, I had that poem, but I really found it the day before... and the rest seemed average and even hard.

It all, life, feels sorta like that - hard. 

I feel completely helpless in some ways (some very new ways) because I am just in a state... angry, mad, desolate to name but a few and all of them in one big huge swirling mass of emotional baggage.

I have no patience for this kind of nonsense. I have too much to do.

And, people keep calling me back to earth and reminding me that my behaviour is inappropriate. Which adds to this feeling of mixed mass emotions swirling and boiling and festering. Shame, I suppose. I am better than being an angry person.

I have moments of average, and when I see my son or husband I can claim joy. But that seems so selfish, in a way, to allow my son and husband to be my bringers of joy... what a HUGE burden to place on them. Guilt, I suppose. 

I am trying to remember to breathe, to mediate, to pray... but the words that come to mind when I do this are hard, and angry, and as my family reminds me... inappropriate.

I have and see so much to be grateful for, but these crazy emotions are so difficult to manage. 

How does one throw themselves a gentle pity party?

So let me conclude by stating that I suppose that the beauty I was able to find is that (#6) I am alive and (#7) I have people who love me. There is comfort in that. But, there is a tinge of insincerity in my heart with these right now. impatience, I suppose. 

The kind of beauty I want most is the hard-to-get kind that comes from within - strength, courage, dignity.  ~ Ruby Dee  

My favorite line is = POEM: wild geese

“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body 
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.” 
~ Mary Oliver

find the beautiful 5

I am kicking and screaming

I am angry

I lash out

I don't know where else this could be coming from

damn cancer

and so, to try to slay this angry beast, I looked round me trying to find something beautiful.

here is what I have...

there is a certain kind of light that I have only ever witnessed here in the desert

it comes at sunset, in winter

it is a light that makes our mountains purple instead of brown

that seems to bear a reflective quality like that of burnished gold.

that was the beautiful I saw today

and here is a terrible picture of it...

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”   

~ Rabindranath Tagore

Find the beautiful 1 - 4

1. Having my mother, brother, and nephews over for a dinner of Wiener Schnitzel.


2.  A gentle and quiet day in bed, watching Netflix and having my husband make some more surprise Wiener Schnitzel for lunch.

Some Wiener Schnitzel being pan fried (photo stolen from Schatzy's "The Facebook" page" - Thank you Schatz

3. Seeing my mom for dinner, drinking a strong margarita with her. Laughing.

4. Getting my first test results back and having them be normal.  

NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner with a group of girl-friends. Coming home to a fire in our fireplace.

The fireplace in our living room

“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” ~ Anne Frank 

Remission

At my last appointment my doctor used this word.

It should be a joyous word, shouldn't it.

Not a question.

It was a blow to hear it.

As I told a friend, I had somehow thought I was exempt from THAT status.  So, when he dictated his notes and used the term to describe me, I was totally taken aback.

It's really hard to navigate this disease, especially when there is no chemo, no radiation. It's like a free pass.

If I were sick from those, I think people would be much nicer about my mental state...

But I LOOK FINE…

So, I must FEEL FINE…

But feeling fine is a lot of work. More work than it's ever been before.