I had a tough time with my little dot this morning. He was refusing to take my milk, he had been eating very little in the past twelve hours, I was worried about him, was he sick, did he have "nipple confusion", did he need another diaper change... What was he going through that I just seemed unable to figure out.
I know that motherhood is not necessarily instinctual, but that there is something that happens to women that they can chose to ignore or embrace when it comes to their children. I thought I had embraced my love and life for this little boy. However, I was getting so frustrated at being unable to understand what he was trying to communicate to me that I was as helpless as I have ever felt in my life. Finally, I spoke to my mom that said the milk from me may be coming out too fast, so I swaddled him, handed him tot he Schatzer, went and heated up some of the milk that has taken over my freezer... It worked. He ate, let me change his diaper, and smiled.
When that smile appeared on his face, I was just filled with what I can only call the power of motherhood. That indescribable feeling that you know without a shadow of a doubt that this life you have brought forth into the world is more precious than anything in the entire world, that you would lie down your life without a second thought for him. The tears came to my eyes, I have been mulling on this all day, even when someone called with less than desirable news it seemed so insignificant in comparison... My life is dedicated to this little one...
either that or it is my wacky post partum hormone imbalance.