It seems many thought I was being too hard on myself. My mother included, who told me that when she read it she thought to herself something like, “I failed if she thinks this way about herself”. I am not sure where that, which made people think this, was in the essay; to me it was more of a look at how I usually perceive myself (a kind person) is not quite the truth. However, what I was looking at in the essay was what is it that makes my attaining the status of kind person so nebulous… and that is those situations where I allow my very cruel streak to show forth. Thankfully, I can’t find any recent examples where I find I have been cruel to the caliber I was in my youth. But… and I must add this here, I think that reflecting on these things is important.
My recollection of myself in my youth is one of being kind and loving, not hateful, mean or spiteful. I tried to be kind with many different people, but as far as attaining my desired state of grace, I was lacking. I am sure that raging hormones and such allowed for this to happen, as I am not so inclined to tell people that I think they are being stupid or idiots or even fat to the extent I would have in the past, though I do try hard to answer questions honestly. Additionally, my inclination now is to put seeds into their paths to allow them the chance to reflect and judge themselves. After all, age has taught me that I am certainly in no position to judge, and especially to judge harshly for most people. I think pedophiles can be judged… and I am referring to adults that hurt little children, not, for example, consensual sex between a 16 year old and an 18 year old. The later may be stupid behavior but not worth judging to the extent that the first example is. I think this may be the mother in me, though I certainly felt as an aunt and I felt it as a one-of-those-random-every-day-person-without-little-children in her life people. What changed, in becoming a mother, is the rage at those who would hurt little children. But that, I think is a justified rage or anger.
But I digress. It is interesting to note that as my 20th year high school reunion approaches that I am coming into contact with people I knew then. There is another person with whom I was friends then that has come back into my life… and through no desire of my own. they have befriended a very good friend of mine, one I have had for these past 20 years or so… now, truth be told I found this person to be pedantic and a manipulator, and as such I severed our friendship, I did not do this gracefully, but how does one do that, tell someone they don’t want them in their lives anymore because they have some major growing up to do… I don’t know, I don’t think I have gained anymore from these past years other than to say I am much pickier about whom I choose to call a best friend. Well, I agreed to go to dinner with everyone and I was civil, because at this point I still found her a little annoying but in an entertaining way. I thought everything had gone nicely at dinner and felt comfortable with this bizarre friendship triangle. Then I get a phone call from my friend, the good one, and was informed that all the ex-friend could talk about was how rude I was, and how obvious it was that I still did not like her. Well, that had not been true, up until that phone call. So, I am back at thinking this person has not left their manipulative ways, and I now run the risk of losing a friend that I have had for 20 years (because she is that good). Frankly, I would hate to think that we lost all those years of putting up with each other (the good friend), but I don’t need this kind of drama in my life. So where does this leave me…
Well, I guess, right back where I started.
An aside... If you get the chance, check out the video by Sarah McLachlan :'World on Fire' on afterglow. I found it on yahoo music. Someone told me to watch it, so I did and there is a scene about a little boy that made me cry. I don’t usually like Sarah McLachlan all that much, she is in that its OK area… but the video was a nice reminder about our world and its pain and suffering, and just how lucky I am. I like those things, it appeals to the charitable side of my nature. That and it reminds why I think everyone should visit a third world country.
Tags: self, blair