My favorite female curmudgeon asked how Josef did, and how I did…
Well, Josef did very well. Which was somewhat traumatic for me. I arrived and he was asleep in a swing. There was no evidence of puffy eyes, he looked like he had happy eating and smiled at me when I woke him up to put him in his car seat. I was secretly hoping that he would be hysterical, and crying and immediately settle down when I put him in my arms. But, he seemed happy and calm. Which, fantasy aside, is preferable.
How did I do? Hmmm. Well, I cried a lot yesterday as I mention in my post, I even cried on the way to pick him up and driving him home. I missed holding him in my arms, letting him breast feed, I missed napping with him curled up against me, I missed his smell, and I even missed changing his nappies.
I also have to say that it was so nice to have people around me, to hear voices, to have something going on around me that did not involve me (other than the jackdaws that hung around me while on bed rest). I really truly enjoyed feeling like I was a part of life outside of my family cocoon. I am still getting used to moving, and walking and carrying and interacting. I get overwhelmed when I hear too many things going on around me still, I can only walk for short periods of time, I have trouble staying on track of a task for extended periods of time, I have trouble multi-tasking (something I used to be very good at). My job is the perfect environment (or one that is as perfect as possible) for my rehabilitation into the world I live in.
However, given a set of circumstances that don’t involve a husband in a career change, insurance needs (you can’t begin to imagine the cost of this pregnancy and his stay in NICU), 5 months of bed rest with profound feelings of isolation, and some other things along this vein… I would be a happy stay at home or self-employed mom. It is such a mixed bag; this post doesn’t even begin to explain how torn I am between these two parts of my life being a mom. I am not glad that I have to do this, but I am ok with it for the most part… and if some things change I would be thrilled to stay at home.